***I struggled for quite a while with whether or not I should post this. It's not the most positive of posts, nor is it uplifting or inspiring. I wrote it on the spur of the moment, so it's not even well written or well thought out. It's a small glimpse of a bad day and what I was feeling and thinking in the moment. I almost decided to keep it private. I almost deleted it. I mean, what if I post this and people think less of me? What if they read this and think I'm acting ungrateful or selfish or being a jerk? But then I thought of the fact that so much of the blogger world is full of people keeping up perfect appearances. So many blogs that I come across are all sunshine and rainbows. There's no reality. So I decided to be real, to share this raw part of myself. It's unedited. It's real. If you don't want to read it, that's okay.***
I'm tired of this infertility thing. Really tired. Exhausted even. I don't even know if I can accurately put into words how tired I am of all this. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women. I ache every time I see one. I'm tired of finding out that someone else is pregnant. I'm tired of seeing happy couples with teeny, tiny newborns. I ache at their happiness. Would I wish for that happiness to be taken away from them? Definitely not. But I yearn for that happiness for us. My heart hurts every time I see a dad and a daughter. I hurt for Craig because I know that's what he wants. He wants a baby girl, and he would be so good at being a dad to a girl. He'd be an awesome dad to any child. I'm tired of thinking about getting pregnant. I'm tired of charting, tired of wondering and hoping, tired of being disappointed month after month. I'm really tired of the disappointment. I feel like we're working so hard for this, harder than a lot of people have to work to have a child, and every month we both get hopeful. You would think after all this time we wouldn't, but we do. I've asked myself so many times lately, "Why us? Why do we have to be that couple, the couple who can't have a baby?" "Why them? Why is it that they are able to so easily conceive, without really trying it seems?" None of it makes sense. I'm trying to trust, trying to give this desire to God, trying to let Him use this to transform me and make me more usable for Him. Some days the waiting is almost more than I can handle. Some days my patience wears thin. Maybe that's part of what God is teaching me through all of this, to wait for Him and His timing even when it's really difficult. Right now, though, I'm tired of putting on a happy face. I'm tired of trying to be happy for someone when I find out she's pregnant, when what I really feel is sadness, ache, and even jealousy. I'm tired of people telling me to "not think about it." That's the worst advice ever for someone in my shoes. Period. It's stupid, too. There's no way to stop thinking about this. I've tried. I've tried everything I know to not think about it. Nothing works. It's a part of me. I'm tired of people saying, "Your time will come." It's not helpful. What if it doesn't? What if we're going through all of this just to find out that we can't have a baby, that we'll never be parents? I feel like we might have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months. Hard decisions. Decisions like how long do we continue fertility treatments? When do we consider IUI? If that doesn't work, do we consider IVF? Are those routes even biblical? What about adoption? How do we know when to hang it all up and just be us? My brain hurts from thinking about it all. My heart hurts, too.
