Real

***I struggled for quite a while with whether or not I should post this. It's not the most positive of posts, nor is it uplifting or inspiring. I wrote it on the spur of the moment, so it's not even well written or well thought out. It's a small glimpse of a bad day and what I was feeling and thinking in the moment. I almost decided to keep it private. I almost deleted it. I mean, what if I post this and people think less of me? What if they read this and think I'm acting ungrateful or selfish or being a jerk? But then I thought of the fact that so much of the blogger world is full of people keeping up perfect appearances. So many blogs that I come across are all sunshine and rainbows. There's no reality. So I decided to be real, to share this raw part of myself. It's unedited. It's real. If you don't want to read it, that's okay.***


I'm tired of this infertility thing. Really tired. Exhausted even. I don't even know if I can accurately put into words how tired I am of all this. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women. I ache every time I see one. I'm tired of finding out that someone else is pregnant. I'm tired of seeing happy couples with teeny, tiny newborns. I ache at their happiness. Would I wish for that happiness to be taken away from them? Definitely not. But I yearn for that happiness for us. My heart hurts every time I see a dad and a daughter. I hurt for Craig because I know that's what he wants. He wants a baby girl, and he would be so good at being a dad to a girl. He'd be an awesome dad to any child. I'm tired of thinking about getting pregnant. I'm tired of charting, tired of wondering and hoping, tired of being disappointed month after month. I'm really tired of the disappointment. I feel like we're working so hard for this, harder than a lot of people have to work to have a child, and every month we both get hopeful. You would think after all this time we wouldn't, but we do. I've asked myself so many times lately, "Why us? Why do we have to be that couple, the couple who can't have a baby?" "Why them? Why is it that they are able to so easily conceive, without really trying it seems?" None of it makes sense. I'm trying to trust, trying to give this desire to God, trying to let Him use this to transform me and make me more usable for Him. Some days the waiting is almost more than I can handle. Some days my patience wears thin. Maybe that's part of what God is teaching me through all of this, to wait for Him and His timing even when it's really difficult. Right now, though, I'm tired of putting on a happy face. I'm tired of trying to be happy for someone when I find out she's pregnant, when what I really feel is sadness, ache, and even jealousy. I'm tired of people telling me to "not think about it." That's the worst advice ever for someone in my shoes. Period. It's stupid, too. There's no way to stop thinking about this. I've tried. I've tried everything I know to not think about it. Nothing works. It's a part of me. I'm tired of people saying, "Your time will come." It's not helpful. What if it doesn't? What if we're going through all of this just to find out that we can't have a baby, that we'll never be parents? I feel like we might have a lot of decisions to make in the next few months. Hard decisions. Decisions like how long do we continue fertility treatments? When do we consider IUI? If that doesn't work, do we consider IVF? Are those routes even biblical? What about adoption? How do we know when to hang it all up and just be us? My brain hurts from thinking about it all. My heart hurts, too.

A Request

First off, I'd just like to acknowledge the fact that I'm horrible at this blogging thing. When I started blogging, I had really good intentions of posting regularly, and I honestly thought that I'd be good at it. Like, Pioneer Woman good. However, I don't live on a ranch, and I don't know how to herd cattle. I don't have millions of dollars at my disposal, and I can't give away mixers or cameras or gift cards. And I certainly don't take a bazillion pictures when I cook. I just cook, slap the food on a plate, and eat. My life actually looks a lot like this blog. Boring. Uneventful at the moment. Simple. And I'm fine with that. Thankful, even. If anything, blogging has just confirmed what I already knew about myself: I am a private person. It feels awkward for me to post things about myself and our lives in a forum that is so public and easily accessible. Maybe it's too vulnerable for me. I set out to make this blog a sort of journal of our infertility journey. But that journey has been entirely too raw, too difficult at times, too scary, and too private to post the details.

All of that to say, we would love prayer from people out in blogger land. Lots of prayer. We just began a round of fertility treatments. We're on day 3, and we have a long way to go. I'm feeling a whole range of emotions. Scared. Impatient. Excited. You name it. We're starting with this option because it's one of the less aggressive options, as well as a more affordable option (fertility treatments are insanely expensive). Plus, at our age it makes the most sense for us to begin here. We'll go this route for the next few months, and if it doesn't work ("work"= me pregnant), we'll go to the next option. Would you please pray with us and for us that this will work? That these treatments will be successful. That we will conceive a healthy baby and that I will be able to carry to term. That we will be able to afford all of this. That we won't have to even consider "plan B." And, most importantly, that we (mainly I) would give this entire thing to God and trust that His plan is the absolute best. Also, pray for minimal side effects. We would appreciate it more than you know.

Celebrate

Today I get to celebrate the strongest, bravest, most selfless, most amazing person I know. I'm incredibly thankful to be able to celebrate. I'm also thankful to call someone like her my mom, and I'm looking forward to making her day special.

I love this picture of my sister and me with our mom. This was taken at a cousin's wedding this past August. My mom was smack in the middle of chemo and feeling completely horrible, but you never would have known it. She smiled and laughed and tried to enjoy the day as much as she could. She's so much like her mom in that regard. Plus, look how adorable she is! Have you ever seen someone look that great while on chemo?! That's my mom!

Happy Mother's Day, Momma! I love you.

These...

...are AMAZING!!! No more Reese's Cups for me...these are so much better! These tiny little bites of heaven came from Trader Joe's, which is my new favorite place. I'm not sure how I ever lived without it.

Snowed In!

We woke on Monday morning to snow, lots of snow. Well, "lots" by our standards since we get snow once, maybe twice, a year (sometimes none at all), and when it does snow, we're lucky if we get an inch. Monday afternoon a "wintery mix" moved in, and it started to sleet and rain. The temperature was still really low, and that 7 inches of snow became encased in a layer of ice. That meant that everything around here pretty much shut down. Luckily, I had bought a bunch of fabric at Hobby Lobby over the weekend, so I didn't mind one bit that we were snowed in. Here are a couple projects that I've been able to complete:



I bake a lot, and I was tired of my dish towels falling of the handle of the oven every time I opened the oven door. So, I fixed the problem. I came up with this idea. It's not a new idea (it's a variation of those crocheted ones that were popular back in maybe the 70's or 80's), but I love the look of the fabric ties in place of the crocheted ones.


I didn't take pictures while I was sewing these because I didn't know how they would turn out. But basically what I did was made a sash and attached it to the dish towel. It was really easy. If you can sew in a semi-straight line, you can do this.


I've had the idea for this pillow for several months but never completed it. I figured it was time to finish it.


It all started with this pillow that came from Hobby Lobby. I really don't know what possessed me to look at pillows, especially ones with the letter "Y" embroidered on them. Our last name doesn't start with "Y," nor does it contain that letter at all, but for some reason I picked it up anyway. I don't know if you can see that little yellow price tag, but it says $2.50! This pillow was originally $30 (am I the only one that thinks that's an absolutely insane price to pay for a pillow?), and the "Y's" were the only ones marked down. All the others were still $30. I knew I could do something to cover up that "Y" and make a really cute pillow, so I threw it in the cart. Okay, so I threw 2 in the cart. I'm just being honest. I had a few ideas in mind, so I headed for the fabric section. After looking (and looking and looking and oooing and aaaahing and drooling a little) at all the fabric, I decided that I would make some flowers like these to attach to the pillow.


I picked up this fabric. To make the flowers, you need some type of thin, satiny fabric. I chose a poly-satin, and I bought 1/8 yard in each color, a chocolate brown and a buttery yellow.


When I got home, I cut a bunch of different-sized circles (as many as I could get out of the fabric). They don't have to be perfect. They actually look better if they start out a little bit irregular (not too irregular; they should still resemble a circle).



Then I used the flame of a candle (you could also use a lighter) to burn all the way around each circle. The flame will basically begin to melt the fabric and cause it to sort of scrunch up a bit (Just don't hold one spot over the flame for too long, or it will start to melt like crazy and drip liquid poly-satin everywhere. Don't ask me how I know this.), and you'll have something like this...


I began to stack the pieces, starting with a large circle and gradually stacking smaller ones. You can make these as large or small as you want. I decided to use alternating colors for this project, but I also love the look of using only one color. Then I sewed the pieces together with just a few small stitches. The stitches don't have to be perfect. They'll be covered up.



I then sewed different-sized black beads to the center of each flower and tacked each flower onto the pillow. I love the way the pillow looks on our guest bed. It matches perfectly, although I didn't originally intend for it to. It just sort of worked out that way. I love it when that happens!