And So It Continues...

My surgery ended up going just fine, and I was sent home the same day armed with painkillers and antibiotics. The nurse explained that the recovery process could be rough, so I left the hospital expecting the worst. But my recovery was pretty much perfect. I never experienced any of the pain or other side effects the nurse had described, and I ended up not needing any of the pain meds that the doctor had prescribed. Physically, the worst part was my milk coming in (no one had warned me that this could/would happen). That was pretty painful for obvious reasons. It was painful on an emotional level, as well. My body was providing for a baby, and that baby wasn't there. For a few weeks, it was a constant, physical reminder of what we had lost. Although, at that point, I didn't need a reminder. I wouldn't have been able to forget even if I had tried. I was feeling so many different emotions all the time. I was overwhelmingly sad. It's a sadness that I can't explain. You have to feel it to understand it. I felt confused and like my mind was spinning. Things had gone from happy to sad, good to bad, exciting to painful in such a short time, and I couldn't make sense of it all. I felt guilty. My family was sad along with me, and I felt like I was the source of their sadness. I felt fearful. I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid that my husband was going to resent me for losing our baby or that he would think that he had married a woman that was somehow damaged. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again or that I wouldn't ever be able carry a baby. I was afraid of facing most people outside of my family. I was afraid of their questions, their attempts to be helpful and sympathetic, and their comments that were meant to be encouraging but ended up feeling like salt on a raw wound. I was afraid of my own emotions. I think that's what scared me the most. I'm by nature a very emotional person, but I've learned how to control my emotional side and keep myself held together. But I was barely holding it together, and I was terrified of losing control. You know that feeling when you're about to cry, how your eyes sting and it feels like there's a golf ball in your throat? You know how if you keep swallowing and keep taking deep breaths, you can usually keep the tears from coming? That's how I felt all the time. I was constantly on the verge of tears and constantly willing them away, and I couldn't talk about what I was feeling. My mom finally said, "You HAVE to talk about it, to someone. You can't keep all this to yourself forever. It's going to eat you up if you do, and it's not healthy." I remember saying, "I don't know how to talk about it. As soon as I do, I'm going to start crying, and I'm afraid once I start crying I won't be able to stop." Eventually I did talk about it, but it didn't happen all at once like I thought it would. I didn't just sit down with someone, get it all out, and leave feeling all better. It happened over time. God placed some amazing people (my husband and my family included among them) in my life during this time. These people were living examples of God's love and wisdom, and I'm immensely thankful for each of them. They helped me see that God was working and that He had a plan. God was taking me on a journey, and that journey was just beginning...

My Hubby

This is my hubby. He's wonderful. And he's handsome, which is a nice plus! I find something new to love about him everyday. He works harder than anyone else I know. His work ethic astounds me, and I love that he puts so much effort into doing his job well. He has to be the most patient and even-tempered person in the world. It takes a lot to ruffle him. He's laid back and easy to please. He can fix anything, whether it's a computer, something car related, or something around the house. He fixes our wireless router on a daily basis. That works out well for me. He'll do just about anything in order to help someone and usually volunteers before anyone asks. That challenges me. He's going to be a fabulous daddy one day, the best a kid could have. Thinking about that makes me smile and cry at the same time. He loves me completely. He loves me all the time, even when I'm probably not all that lovable. I hope I love him the same way. He strives to be a godly man, and he desires for God to transform and shine through every area of his life. That's why he is all that he is. And I'm thankful for who he is, who he's becoming, and who he will one day be.

And So It Begins...

We found out that we were pregnant in November '07. We'd been married for a month shy of a year at that point and weren't trying to get pregnant, so those 2 pink lines were a little shocking. But we were excited. I was especially excited. I thought my dream of motherhood was coming true, and nothing could have made me happier. We started planning for our baby almost immediately. We had some baby money specifically set aside for when the time came, so we purchased a few necessities (and a couple fun things, too). I was in my element with all that baby stuff, and with each new item we bought my excitement grew. When I reached 12 weeks, I breathed a sigh of relief. At the 12 week mark, you're supposed to be out of the "danger zone" because if something is going to happen it usually happens within the first 12 weeks. I had entered the 2nd trimester, and I thought we were home free. But at my 16 week appointment, they couldn't find a heartbeat, and the baby hadn't grown at all since my 12 week appointment (where everything had been fine and the baby had had a normal heartbeat). I was in complete shock. In less than 10 minutes, I went from thinking that I was having a baby to being told that I'd had a "missed miscarriage" and would need surgery the next day. While I sat with my doctor in his office listening to him explain what had happened and what the surgery would entail, I somehow managed to hold it together. It was so surreal driving home trying to figure out what I was going to tell my husband, my family and everyone else and how I was going to find the strength to do it. When I got home, I didn't have to tell my husband. I didn't have to say anything. I guess the look on my face said it all. His face went completely white, and he said, "Please tell me that what I'm thinking happened didn't happen." All I could do was nod. When he hugged me, I finally cried. I cried because I was sad, but mainly I cried because I was scared. The surgery that was schedule for the following day terrified me. I was scared of the surgery itself, being put under anesthesia, the recovery process, and all the unknowns that I would face at the hospital. Little did I know that would be the easy part. The emotional part would be infinitely harder, and I wasn't ready for it...

Heads-up

I'm not big on spontaneity. I'm a planner, and I make lists. Lots of them. You should see my grocery lists. They're ridiculously planned out and organized. First, I write out a menu (in the form of a list, of course) for a set period of time, usually a week. Then under each meal, I list out ingredients I need to purchase in order to make that particular meal. If I have an ingredient in the pantry or refrigerator, it doesn't go on the list. Then, I flip the paper over and begin my second grocery list. This list is insanely organized by specific categories in the order of the grocery store's layout. I know it's a little OCD (or maybe a lot OCD), but I can't help it. My grocery shopping is disastrous if I go without my list organized this way. I've been at this blogging thing for just a few hours, and I'm already falling into my list-making habit. When I started out, I was committed to being spontaneous with it. I was going to post things as they came to mind or whenever something of interest occurred. That lasted all of 5 minutes before I had a small panic attack (slight exaggeration) and realized I couldn't do it. I needed a list. I needed a plan! So here's what I'm planning on posting in the next few days/weeks, in no particular order. Shocking, I know! I want to do a post for each member of my immediate family, as well as a small handful of special people. I'd like to dive into our (in)fertility journey. Along the way there may be a few random posts having to do with cooking/baking, crafts, things I'm learning, things I'm thinking, everyday happenings, and anything else that pops into my head. See, I'm putting spontaneity on the list! That totally counts.

I'm Starting a Blog???

I always said I would never be a blogger. Ever. But here I am, and here's this blank page that's been screaming at me all day to post something. I'm not really sure exactly what I intend this blog to be other than just a way to get some of my thoughts out of my head. My head can only hold so much, and right now it's holding quite a lot. The last two years have been full of incredibly difficult happenings, and this blog will probably end up being a chronicle of those events, as well as day to day life. I'll go into detail about certain events, and I'll be vague about others mainly for the privacy of certain people, although I'm not expecting a huge number of "followers." This blog is for my thoughts. I would love to have one of those hugely inspirational blogs, but realistically speaking I know that's not likely to happen. I'm okay with that. All that being said, it may take a while for this blog to come together, but while it's coming together I plan on having fun with it!