A Hard Day

Two years ago today was my due date for my first pregnancy. If things had gone like we thought they would, we would have a two year old running around our house, and I would be throwing a 2nd birthday party. I can't help but wonder who that little two year old would have been or what kind of party I would have planned. I know that it's totally pointless, but I can't help thinking about these things. It's always on my mind in some way, some days more than others, but it's there nonetheless. Today is just one of those really hard days. August is a hard month for me. Four days from today was my due date for my second pregnancy. Instead of getting ready to have a baby like I thought, I'll be attending a wedding. If that pregnancy had been successful, I wouldn't have been able to attend. I would either have just had a baby (because let's face it, most babies don't come on their due dates), or I would have been so pregnant that traveling wouldn't have been possible. It's days like today, weeks like this week, and months like this month that I get so tired. Tired of thinking about what could have been. Tired of wondering what our babies would have been like. Tired of missing my babies. Tired of feeling left out of mommyhood. Tired of the terrible ache that I feel when I see a pregnant woman or hear a baby cry or see teeny, tiny baby clothes. Tired of feeling like I'm alone in all of this and like everyone has forgotten. Tired of crying. Just tired. Before you think horribly of me, let me just say that I'm truly not wallowing in self-pity or in my emotions. I have too much going on in my life right now to wallow. I'll have a few more rough days, and then I'll be okay. Today is just one of those rough days.