And So It Begins...

We found out that we were pregnant in November '07. We'd been married for a month shy of a year at that point and weren't trying to get pregnant, so those 2 pink lines were a little shocking. But we were excited. I was especially excited. I thought my dream of motherhood was coming true, and nothing could have made me happier. We started planning for our baby almost immediately. We had some baby money specifically set aside for when the time came, so we purchased a few necessities (and a couple fun things, too). I was in my element with all that baby stuff, and with each new item we bought my excitement grew. When I reached 12 weeks, I breathed a sigh of relief. At the 12 week mark, you're supposed to be out of the "danger zone" because if something is going to happen it usually happens within the first 12 weeks. I had entered the 2nd trimester, and I thought we were home free. But at my 16 week appointment, they couldn't find a heartbeat, and the baby hadn't grown at all since my 12 week appointment (where everything had been fine and the baby had had a normal heartbeat). I was in complete shock. In less than 10 minutes, I went from thinking that I was having a baby to being told that I'd had a "missed miscarriage" and would need surgery the next day. While I sat with my doctor in his office listening to him explain what had happened and what the surgery would entail, I somehow managed to hold it together. It was so surreal driving home trying to figure out what I was going to tell my husband, my family and everyone else and how I was going to find the strength to do it. When I got home, I didn't have to tell my husband. I didn't have to say anything. I guess the look on my face said it all. His face went completely white, and he said, "Please tell me that what I'm thinking happened didn't happen." All I could do was nod. When he hugged me, I finally cried. I cried because I was sad, but mainly I cried because I was scared. The surgery that was schedule for the following day terrified me. I was scared of the surgery itself, being put under anesthesia, the recovery process, and all the unknowns that I would face at the hospital. Little did I know that would be the easy part. The emotional part would be infinitely harder, and I wasn't ready for it...